Surviving on your own

Where to begin? The money? The moods? The stress? The settling in? The family?

After being broke for the first time in three years, like can't pay a bill other than rent and groceries kind of broke, I had to have the awesome conversation with my loving parents. I'm thankful for my parents but ashamed at the fact that a woman on her own had to make the call. So I put my big girl panties on and continued on. A budget in hand and still more broke. Time for a second job and sell off all of my belongings to try to make ends meet. How do people do this? Between pressure at work, the stress of just living and being depressed with high anxiety, I can't keep just myself straight. Which brings me to my most recent thoughts.

Everyone I know either lives at home or lives with someone. I think I'm the only person I interact with on a daily basis that has been on their own for the past three years between the ages of 20 and 30. Although it has had it's ups and downs and good and bad, this is the worst it has been for a while. If by 27, you live at home and haven't paid rent and supported yourself, what kind of life experience are you gaining? I was forced to grow up at a young age and took care of myself for a long time before I had the actual help of roommates or significant others. Since then, I have continued to fight for where I am now, and won't stop until I can have the life I dream. It just makes me look at society a little harder everyday. You can buy that designer bag, glasses and jewelry that I've never had but I find value in much smaller things. Leaving the grocery store under $100 and making it last two weeks or more for every meal without eating out is something to brag about. Cooking 4 nights a week and eating leftovers on your budget is something to brag about. Saving for your oil change and tire rotations on time and enough to pay for surprise dr appointments and the medicines prescribed is something to brag about. It's funny the things you value most when you live alone.

I adore someone else taking out my trash, mowing the lawn, helping me move furniture, cooking together or someone bringing home carry-out because it's been that long of a day. Those are the things I miss most. Having someone there to talk to and help you survive both physically and emotionally is one of the most amazing things I took for granted.

If I could go back to college and do it again, from the time of 2006 on, I would do it in a heart beat. Things I would consider:
- I am not going to use all the yarn I buy.
- Half the food you buy in college goes bad.
- Use the nights you have friends over to your advantage.
- Save money by learning to budget early.
- coupon.
- Don't stress out so much. You'll get it done.
- Laundry is easier in small doses.
- Take advantage of dollar beer night as much as possible.
- Go to bed earlier and work out.
- Do something for yourself once a week.
- TV shows don't help you do homework.
- Boys suck.
- Long distance will only hurt more.
- Live on campus at least once.
- Go to other peoples house, its less to clean up.
- Ride the bus.
- It all gets harder once you finish.

I want to go back and go to school longer to find myself more. I find my family continues to hold me back from what's next for me. Rushed. Guilty. Obligated. Pressured. Stressed. I should have stayed in NC longer and continued my life there. I don't regret moving to Baltimore but I will always wonder where I would be if I stayed there and continued my life with the people I am closest and adore.

Anyway, living on your own is hard. Harder than most people think. Speaking of thinking, too many thoughts. You have to be excellent at communication to not go crazy. Get your thoughts out and have connecting adult conversations that can take you away from your pretend you life at work. There's only so much I can do... and handle.

Personalities- Where are they accepted?

It has become overwhelmingly apparent that its hard to be yourself in the world today. Everyone has their expectation of you and who you are and how you act. At work, you have to fit into this profile with X, Y,  Z characteristics and you're always on stage. The people you spend your free time with are always judging everything you say. Let's face it, even your closest friends judge you and then you are described as "some kind of way". So who can you really be yourself around?

Out of the millions of people on the planet are we supposed to magically find the people that are similar to ourselves move after move and change after change that will always be by your side? You would think family would understand anything you might be going through and able to know the right thing to say. But once you tell family one thing, they continue to ask about it and make something that was once possibly a bad day into always being negative if its now your normal tone.

Work settings, now, expect you to portray these skills that always are present. Whether it be your communication, outlook or opinion on anything; you have to maintain the work professionalism. But then there comes a time in your 9 hour day that you just want to lean back and say, "I'm exhausted". Depending on who may hear that and their intentions of only helping themselves, it becomes a detractor from your skills. Come on, I'm human for Christ's sake! I can't have a single feeling that is not 100% upbeat, outgoing or productive. So then, at work, are you just pretending to be who you need to be to get by?

::Puppy Barking in his Dreams::

Sometimes, you just want to sit and do nothing. Maybe, you have a million things to do and need to express how stressed you might be. Other times you just want to be quiet to not unbalance the social environment to keep the peace and keep going in your life. Is there ever a balance?

Is there ever truly anyone who doesn't have problems with at least something you do? Or do they just keep quiet and learn to live with things? Behaviors, Habits, Verbiage, Necessities, Moods....

I just want to be me. Express myself and not stress about it. I think that means I am not where I need to be in my life and it's time to find something that is right. But how do you get there? More jobs to make ends meet and then less time to find yourself in the end. Its a never ending battle and I'm getting quite frustrated with everyone and everything, quite quickly.

I hope the agenda for tomorrow keeps me busy but relaxed so I can have a productive yet relaxing day...

Crock Pot: Potato Soup

My mom makes amazing home made potato soup. The kind where it warms your soul and you know exactly where home is no matter where you are when you have it. She freezes it in portion sizes for the family ever since the start. Once off to college, she made the portions smaller to take home and have on a cold lonely day. Seeing as its been cold and mom is preoccupied, I started on my own endeavor into potato soup, home made, Kate style.

I have a small old fashioned crock pot which makes more than enough for me but enough for leftovers you don't get tired of. Five heat settings; literally 1-5 on the dial for heat.

Ingredients:

1 Can of chicken broth (Swanson's)
- 1 can of this water
2 cans of Campbell's cream of potato
- 1 can of this water
1/2 cup milk
6 potatoes, peeled and chopped into 1/2'' cubes
1 carrot stick chopped (I used 5 carrot pieces from the bag i bought for lunches)
1 celery stick chopped
1/2 white onion diced
1 cup of sharp cheddar cheese

I put all wet ingredients in the pot and mix; the cream of potato is paste-like. Crank up the pot to 5. Chop and peel the veggies; dump them in. Stir. Let it go.

I left and went shopping and running errands from 2-5 (3 hours).

I probably prematurely took my emulsion blender to the mixture (smelling amazing). Get it all creamy and smooth. Add the milk and cheese. At this point I turned it down to 2.5 and let it stew for another 2 hours. By 7 hours total, my soup was thick, creamy and delicious. I would probably leave it to stew all day, blend when I got home and by dinner, its ready.

Either way, I added a little shredded cheese to the top and it was like I was at home all over again. Kate Insight: It has to be eaten out of a mug. Once the extra cheese is melted, its thick and creamy to drink or use a spoon.  No extra spices or complications. EZ as 1-2-3. Home was in the air.

At the same time, I've never felt so lonely. My own home, rented, Bones laying by my side- something's missing. A family, friends, or someone to share this with. I get it. Been there before. "Wifing season is upon us." So what do I do? Start watching every episode of Sex and the City. What better than knowing I have no female best friend close with the type of time in which I have. I wish I had a closet like Carrie.  The only BIG in my life is my car.

I'm oddly unsatisfied yet happy. The phrase that haunts me, "you'll never be satisfied in anything you do or have in your life. Something will always be needing to excite, enhance or change to satisfy you, for some time." In this moment I wish I could be someone else. But, that wouldn't satisfy me either. ::SIGH::

Soup, Wine and something else to snack on as I start or continue something to attempt to satisfy me. Home with Mom and Dad is where I'll be.... and Bones.

P.S. Should have Named Bones after shoes. Today he is the flip-flip bandit. As he lays with one that went missing days ago... sneaky bastard.