Surviving on your own

Where to begin? The money? The moods? The stress? The settling in? The family?

After being broke for the first time in three years, like can't pay a bill other than rent and groceries kind of broke, I had to have the awesome conversation with my loving parents. I'm thankful for my parents but ashamed at the fact that a woman on her own had to make the call. So I put my big girl panties on and continued on. A budget in hand and still more broke. Time for a second job and sell off all of my belongings to try to make ends meet. How do people do this? Between pressure at work, the stress of just living and being depressed with high anxiety, I can't keep just myself straight. Which brings me to my most recent thoughts.

Everyone I know either lives at home or lives with someone. I think I'm the only person I interact with on a daily basis that has been on their own for the past three years between the ages of 20 and 30. Although it has had it's ups and downs and good and bad, this is the worst it has been for a while. If by 27, you live at home and haven't paid rent and supported yourself, what kind of life experience are you gaining? I was forced to grow up at a young age and took care of myself for a long time before I had the actual help of roommates or significant others. Since then, I have continued to fight for where I am now, and won't stop until I can have the life I dream. It just makes me look at society a little harder everyday. You can buy that designer bag, glasses and jewelry that I've never had but I find value in much smaller things. Leaving the grocery store under $100 and making it last two weeks or more for every meal without eating out is something to brag about. Cooking 4 nights a week and eating leftovers on your budget is something to brag about. Saving for your oil change and tire rotations on time and enough to pay for surprise dr appointments and the medicines prescribed is something to brag about. It's funny the things you value most when you live alone.

I adore someone else taking out my trash, mowing the lawn, helping me move furniture, cooking together or someone bringing home carry-out because it's been that long of a day. Those are the things I miss most. Having someone there to talk to and help you survive both physically and emotionally is one of the most amazing things I took for granted.

If I could go back to college and do it again, from the time of 2006 on, I would do it in a heart beat. Things I would consider:
- I am not going to use all the yarn I buy.
- Half the food you buy in college goes bad.
- Use the nights you have friends over to your advantage.
- Save money by learning to budget early.
- coupon.
- Don't stress out so much. You'll get it done.
- Laundry is easier in small doses.
- Take advantage of dollar beer night as much as possible.
- Go to bed earlier and work out.
- Do something for yourself once a week.
- TV shows don't help you do homework.
- Boys suck.
- Long distance will only hurt more.
- Live on campus at least once.
- Go to other peoples house, its less to clean up.
- Ride the bus.
- It all gets harder once you finish.

I want to go back and go to school longer to find myself more. I find my family continues to hold me back from what's next for me. Rushed. Guilty. Obligated. Pressured. Stressed. I should have stayed in NC longer and continued my life there. I don't regret moving to Baltimore but I will always wonder where I would be if I stayed there and continued my life with the people I am closest and adore.

Anyway, living on your own is hard. Harder than most people think. Speaking of thinking, too many thoughts. You have to be excellent at communication to not go crazy. Get your thoughts out and have connecting adult conversations that can take you away from your pretend you life at work. There's only so much I can do... and handle.

Personalities- Where are they accepted?

It has become overwhelmingly apparent that its hard to be yourself in the world today. Everyone has their expectation of you and who you are and how you act. At work, you have to fit into this profile with X, Y,  Z characteristics and you're always on stage. The people you spend your free time with are always judging everything you say. Let's face it, even your closest friends judge you and then you are described as "some kind of way". So who can you really be yourself around?

Out of the millions of people on the planet are we supposed to magically find the people that are similar to ourselves move after move and change after change that will always be by your side? You would think family would understand anything you might be going through and able to know the right thing to say. But once you tell family one thing, they continue to ask about it and make something that was once possibly a bad day into always being negative if its now your normal tone.

Work settings, now, expect you to portray these skills that always are present. Whether it be your communication, outlook or opinion on anything; you have to maintain the work professionalism. But then there comes a time in your 9 hour day that you just want to lean back and say, "I'm exhausted". Depending on who may hear that and their intentions of only helping themselves, it becomes a detractor from your skills. Come on, I'm human for Christ's sake! I can't have a single feeling that is not 100% upbeat, outgoing or productive. So then, at work, are you just pretending to be who you need to be to get by?

::Puppy Barking in his Dreams::

Sometimes, you just want to sit and do nothing. Maybe, you have a million things to do and need to express how stressed you might be. Other times you just want to be quiet to not unbalance the social environment to keep the peace and keep going in your life. Is there ever a balance?

Is there ever truly anyone who doesn't have problems with at least something you do? Or do they just keep quiet and learn to live with things? Behaviors, Habits, Verbiage, Necessities, Moods....

I just want to be me. Express myself and not stress about it. I think that means I am not where I need to be in my life and it's time to find something that is right. But how do you get there? More jobs to make ends meet and then less time to find yourself in the end. Its a never ending battle and I'm getting quite frustrated with everyone and everything, quite quickly.

I hope the agenda for tomorrow keeps me busy but relaxed so I can have a productive yet relaxing day...

Crock Pot: Potato Soup

My mom makes amazing home made potato soup. The kind where it warms your soul and you know exactly where home is no matter where you are when you have it. She freezes it in portion sizes for the family ever since the start. Once off to college, she made the portions smaller to take home and have on a cold lonely day. Seeing as its been cold and mom is preoccupied, I started on my own endeavor into potato soup, home made, Kate style.

I have a small old fashioned crock pot which makes more than enough for me but enough for leftovers you don't get tired of. Five heat settings; literally 1-5 on the dial for heat.

Ingredients:

1 Can of chicken broth (Swanson's)
- 1 can of this water
2 cans of Campbell's cream of potato
- 1 can of this water
1/2 cup milk
6 potatoes, peeled and chopped into 1/2'' cubes
1 carrot stick chopped (I used 5 carrot pieces from the bag i bought for lunches)
1 celery stick chopped
1/2 white onion diced
1 cup of sharp cheddar cheese

I put all wet ingredients in the pot and mix; the cream of potato is paste-like. Crank up the pot to 5. Chop and peel the veggies; dump them in. Stir. Let it go.

I left and went shopping and running errands from 2-5 (3 hours).

I probably prematurely took my emulsion blender to the mixture (smelling amazing). Get it all creamy and smooth. Add the milk and cheese. At this point I turned it down to 2.5 and let it stew for another 2 hours. By 7 hours total, my soup was thick, creamy and delicious. I would probably leave it to stew all day, blend when I got home and by dinner, its ready.

Either way, I added a little shredded cheese to the top and it was like I was at home all over again. Kate Insight: It has to be eaten out of a mug. Once the extra cheese is melted, its thick and creamy to drink or use a spoon.  No extra spices or complications. EZ as 1-2-3. Home was in the air.

At the same time, I've never felt so lonely. My own home, rented, Bones laying by my side- something's missing. A family, friends, or someone to share this with. I get it. Been there before. "Wifing season is upon us." So what do I do? Start watching every episode of Sex and the City. What better than knowing I have no female best friend close with the type of time in which I have. I wish I had a closet like Carrie.  The only BIG in my life is my car.

I'm oddly unsatisfied yet happy. The phrase that haunts me, "you'll never be satisfied in anything you do or have in your life. Something will always be needing to excite, enhance or change to satisfy you, for some time." In this moment I wish I could be someone else. But, that wouldn't satisfy me either. ::SIGH::

Soup, Wine and something else to snack on as I start or continue something to attempt to satisfy me. Home with Mom and Dad is where I'll be.... and Bones.

P.S. Should have Named Bones after shoes. Today he is the flip-flip bandit. As he lays with one that went missing days ago... sneaky bastard.
  

Things No-one Told You

Living by yourself in 2013 is like living in finals week for months on end. Always something looming over you.

You can't blame the mess on anyone else when you live alone.

When things go missing, you think you're going crazy.

If you can't remember where you put something, no one can say "last time I saw it...".

No one is going to surprise you with a home cooked meal, bath run, candles lit and a clean house. Ever.

You no longer want to leave your house when you work so hard to keep the roof over your head and are never home.

Quiet time is amazing, until you hear that one noise.... you know, the one you can't identify and every scary movie you've ever seen flashes in your head.

When you forget to go grocery shopping, there's still no food.

No one is there to wake you up from the couch to see if you want to go to bed.

You don't have to hear anyone's alarm but your own, if you decide to set it... depending on where you live.

Whatever you decide to wear in your house, is A O K. No one to tell you otherwise.

....No one to say, "You're wearing THAT out of the house?!"

The more money you make, the more the government owns you.

Student Loans are the devil... but who didn't know that.

You get to keep the temperature at whatever you would like, as long as you can afford it.

Get to know your apartment neighbors; don't get to know them too well. Mind your own business.

Having a big dog that is nothing but a love bug with a lot of energy comes off as an agressive threat to those that you want them to.

There will never be enough hours in the day when technology is involved. Turn it off and get out.

Keep Going.

Remember #1 is most important.

It's O.K. to be selfish when its the right decision for you.

Vision of Good Part 1

I was sitting contemplating what all is going on in my life and throughout my days. Something I wanted to focus on is what a Vision of GOOD (VoG) looks like through out each task.

Sleeping: 6-8 hours a night would be amazing. Means I have to put away the technology and go to bed before 11:30 or later every night.

Breakfast: Eating breakfast in general would be amazing. Go back to shakes and fruit and yogurt or even oatmeal. Fast easy breakfasts that keep me on track. VoG: Three meals plus snacks a day. All before 9 pm.

Timely: Yes, I am notorious for my time. On time is when I get there. I've lived like that since my junior year in high school when I became on my own time schedule instead of my brothers (my ride). 10-15 mins late is me. Might as well not rush if you're already late. It just frustrates you and stresses you out. The beginning of a bad day is being woken up abruptly and realizing I'm late. No Fun. VoG: get there on time, early we'll shoot for when we get that far. haha. Maybe Bones will cooperate with this too.

Work Ethic: I am one to say, if I'm going to work there I might as well do as much as I can to get as far as I can. Staying organized with a plan and a schedule helps. When it comes to most "Jobs" I feel I do that well. The only work ethic I'd like to improve is the motivation to work out and stay on track. VoG: No more, "tomorrow".

Exercise: There's talk of starting Insanity. Yeah I'm insane for thinking I can do it, but I love going to the gym. I sleep better, eat better and have a better mood. Plus if Insanity is 60 days, there's 57 till my birthday. Could I be one hot lady by then and stop worrying about everything being too small and make it all too big? That's a VoG I'd like to see. 30 lbs? I think I can I think I can.

Budget: As I said before, coupon-ing would be awesome to help stay on target and on top of things. I'll take it. I've been doing well with the budget so far- just want to pay more to be out of debt. Vision of Good: out of debt and having $50 to put into savings every week/bi-weekly. AMAZING how savings multiply. Then I can do what I've read so much about having split up bank accounts. Savings, trips, bills, emergency and everyday. Slowly but surely.

Bones: Warmer weather will make him more excited but calm all at the same time. He'll be able to go out longer and exercise and play ball. He goes to school soon so that VoG should improve automatically.

THE KIDS: I added a board to Pinterest called Summer days with the Kids. Tons of activities and crafts to do with them throughout their upcoming move (Hopefully settlement on MONDAY!) VoG: do kid posts on the things I've pinned on Pinterest and show how they went. Keep them occupied and not driving me nuts.

PR: Bill payments as stated in a previous post.

Cooking meals for dinner to eat leftovers instead of a frozen meal all the time...

To Be Continued.

Honey: Announcement

After a party on Saturday night, a nice relaxing sunday and a reasonably productive Monday I'm back to work. By work I mean a wonderful two and four year old taking over my life and wanting to type for me. I am not allowing that as much as I try and they dislike that. I'm on to business.

I have an announcement that is pretty heavy for the heart. Meet the family:

The family summer 2006

I want you to meet my dad Honey:

2008 Playing Games

Honey and I on Thanksgiving 2008

In May 2009 he battled Non-Hodgkins Mantel Cell Lymphoma. Cancer. Stage 4. He went from normal to Cancer throughout his entire body in three weeks. His cancer developed in a way that it was the third case in the nation that they have seen. The team of doctors at National Institue of Health (NIH) took him on a journey through experimental drugs to try to fight his case. He stayed in the hospital from the day he was diagnosed through the course of chemotherapy and into recovery. The experimental treatment is known to work to clear the body of cancer. They don't have any studies where the cancer hasn't come back. After a long road in the hospital, December 2, 2009, he came home clear of cancer.

Taking Christmas Photos 2009

For the past three years at every holiday meal we take time and talk about how special we are to have been able to fight such a long, hard battle. Behind the scenes a lot more has happened. The cancer caused his leg to fight his own skin causing a few years of healing (I'll spare you those pictures because they are pretty gross.) By summer 2010 one of the most awesome things was seeing Honey up and moving after gaining most of his strength back. Dad went from the big man that when you hug him you can barely reach your hands to clasp them to being able to hold both your elbows. He may have been physically small but his heart was bigger than ever. Thankful for the opportunity to continue to be with us and celebrate life. And that is what he did.

Dancing 2010 Memorial Day

Strategy Playing Beer Pong Memorial Day 2010

Memorial Day marked a time where he was able to get up and moving on his own. Leg still healing, he never failed to be life of the party. Although his strength wasn't anywhere close to normal and he was still so small in my arms. Dad always had this silly humor. After his experiences, it only got better. For example, he drew eyeballs on the ping pong balls we were using to play beer pong in order to "visualize the cups in mid air", to hit the target. He also kept the balls in a very special place. We have a drinks fridge and he made sure you had everything you needed. Balls in the butter drawer, beer on the bottom shelf, and cups right next to the cooler.  :]

Brothers Wedding October 2010

10.10.10 my brother got married. Honey was able to escort Mom down the aisle and give me kisses before the ceremony started. He was feeling back to normal as be big burly man as my Dad. We spent time with a lot of family that we had not seen since he got sick.

Family Photos Christmas 2011

December 2012 marks three years the cancer has been gone. January 2013, Mom reveals the concern that something is starting. Honey has always been just like my Great Grandmother, MaGrace, and very independent. "I can do it by myself." 

My best friend Casey Williams came up to see me and the only thing she insisted on doing for the two days she was here: Go see Honey and GiGi. After driving up from Raleigh, NC to Baltimore, MD, we drove back down to Chesapeake Beach, MD. Catching up with the family and Casey never felt better - I was in a better place than ever and they were doing well. 

Honey and GiGi in front of the Crab Pot Christmas Tree in North Beach 2013

In efforts to help Mom out as usual, we spent some time alone talking after hearing a hard phone call earlier in the morning. She was eating breakfast and I was getting ready to get some tasks done outside- Even though everything is almost normal, I try to help as much as possible seeing as my brother is in England and sometimes a 26 year old can help quite a bit. My brother had called and when we talk to Mom we always ask, "How's Honey?" Her face turns and the response is "I'm worried". Honey's not eating much. He's gained a lot of weight around his middle. He's asking for help doing things he loves to do (stacking firewood for the wood stove).  He's even more tired than normal. 

Honey got Bronchitis coming home Thanksgiving from England. The cough never left. GiGi and I continued to bother Honey about going to the dr's. He had appointments about two weeks from the time Casey was here for his normal NIH checkups to see how the drugs were working. He finally scheduled an appointment with his normal doctor at Kaiser Permanente. Blood-work came back normal for his levels. 

January 24th, 2013 Honey RELAPSED.

The program he was with through NIH was valid as long as his body was clear of cancer. Scans showed cancer in his Spleen and Blood. (They don't put a stage on it due to being a relapse.) NIH wrote out the "cocktail" of chemotherapy to follow for the findings and sent them to Kaiser to continue treatment. 

My feelings about Kaiser Permanente are an entire different post about my experience but I do not like them. While my feelings are irrelevant to this, they went back and Honeys team of doctors there are very attentive to him and his case. 

They started a week later with the prescribed chemotherapy cocktail and we are pleased with the attentiveness they are giving to the situation. Having not been in normal out-patient services before, there are a lot of nerves around the entire process. Example, when they said you're appointment is at 8 am and you'll have 5 hours of chemo, what they really mean is show up before 8 and we'll try to get you out by 5. Its all a process but one we aren't used to. Before it was all in the hospital and there was no back and forth. 

The first go was still scary. Dad had a reaction to the amount of drugs in a small amount of time they were trying to pump into him. It took longer than expected for the transfusion. Take it one day at a time and we can do this.

A week after his first round of chemo in the hospital, dad went code blue and ended in the ICU for weeks. A week after his frist round landed Honey in the hospital again. His fever shot up for no explanation. February 7th Honey was admitted to Holy Cross Hospital for 3 days. Not knowing what caused it the first time, or the second time, they deduced it was a viral bug and with antibiotics, he was free to go on Sunday. (Jon and Katie came back from England officially that Friday, Welcome Home!)

Since then he has been taking it easy. Yeah, Right. He went back to work and is trucking through everything like a trooper. Honey and Gigi were supposed to go for the beginning of the second treatment today but they are postponing that due to his platelet recovery. As of now, everything is on track for his treatment. They caught it early and the doctors are very confident in his recovery.

There are thoughts about What ifs? and Why me/us? but there is a reason and a plan. I just ask that you take this information and stay positive and send all positive energy and some prayers to our family at this time.

This leaves you with a smile and hoping you all are well physically and mentally. 

Revised Goals

Good evening lovelies!

Let me tell you how at peace I am that I didn't have much on my plate this Lazy Sunday.

I got to do things that I wanted to do, and then I realized, I HAVE TOMORROW OFF TOO!!

BONES NEWS: Bones is now 6 months old.. almost 7 on the 8th! He was born August 8th 2012 (at least thats what we estimated from the lack of information from the people who had him before). He normally sleeps on his bed in my bedroom with the door closed so he cant get into trouble without waking me up first. This sly man happened to weasel through the doorway this morning. So what did he search and destroy? A paper plate and plastic fork. He at majority of both. Oh Bones. He is starting puppy school later next month to be the most AWESOME dog ever.

PR: The party last night, like I said, was small. Little disappointed only due to the goals I have set but the calendar is shaping up and we have a lot of leads. By the end of the day I hope to add a party to my schedule and I DID IT! Its in April, but we got this. The more people I talk to the more fun it is. And the closer I am to my goals.

GOALS: Pay off the credit cards by November. Lets do some math:

Credit cards / 7 months = and entire extra pay check per month.

Possible? Yes. Lots of dedication and determination. Every time I do budgets I say to myself that I'm going to start coupon-ing to save money. Between dog food, gas and food for myself, I NEED TO. But here's the question: HOW DO YOU COUPON. The show on tv is good to watch but I need the book on how to coupon. Coupon-ing for dummies aka Kate. Gotta start somewhere right? Guess I'll start today.

::Bones is staring me down because I'm not paying attention to him::

Sunday fun-day has been watching Gina's soccer game. Cuddling with my hungover boo. Nap. Walmart. Lets talk about that for a moment. I got so dressed up- North Face and sweats. Not really sure why I went in the first place so I bought new nail polishes. Because I can. If you don't know I have a healthy obsession with nail polish and I am an artist. With that, there are never enough colors of nail polishes to chose the colors I can imagine.  Then it comes to wanting a Pandora Bracelet and coming to terms I will never be able to afford it within the next year at this rate. Need the bills paid, Dog fed and anything else before the fun stuff. So while my dreams continue to soar, reality takes the cake. 

Pitch Perfect is my new favorite everything. I'm on a quest to watch it forever. Have to finish it the first time. 

Night Lovelies, Have a wonderful week.

Your Pure Romance Fact: here

Orgasms can relieve pain.
Got a headache? Maybe you should have sex after all. “There is some evidence that orgasms can relieve all kinds of pain—including pain from arthritis, pain after surgery and even pain during childbirth,” notes Lisa Stern, RN, MSN, a nurse practitioner who works with Planned Parenthood in Los Angeles and blogs at Gynfizz.com. “The mechanism is largely due to the body’s release of a chemical called oxytocin during orgasm,” she says. “Oxytocin facilitates bonding, relaxation and other positive emotional states.” While the pain relief from orgasm is short-lived—usually only about eight to 10 minutes—she points to past research indicating that even thinking about sex can help alleviate pain.

Read more: Female Orgasm Facts - Surprising Facts About Orgasms - Woman's Day